Top 5 most readed
Oleksiy Pecherov is goin fishin!!!
Longtime readers know that every summer is a fishing trip tradition down south with Christian Laettner (Captain) and Jared Jeffries (Rods n Reels) and Peter John Ramos (Human Chum Scoop). Well this summer they are down two men!!!! Jared Jefferies has decided to stay in New York this summer cuz he has busy plans ever since he moved into a loft in Williamsburg Brooklyn with those It Kids THE MISSHAPES. Suddenly JJ aint got time for his old buddies fishing trip! No hes too busy thrifting and DJing and curating polaroid shows and removing Geordon Nicols hand from his thigh and being Grand Marshall at this years Pabst Blue Ribbon Big Wheel Invitational at McCarren Park Pool and modelling Imitation of Christs new Big & Tall line on area runways.
Oh he had his license revoked by Department of Fish & Game for strangling a dolphin with his bare hands.
Misshapes Jared Jeffries
Im too cool 4 skool!
Right now Im standing in the vomit of an American Apparel model!!!!
Misshapes Jared Jeffries Geordon Nicol Leigh Lezark Greg Krelenstein
Dont hate me because Im beautiful!
Nick Young & Andray Blatche.
Summer League is when the basketball season really starts for Big Dray! These guys have both made committment to bulking up and living healthy this offseason so they r kicking of the summer by hosting an huge 80s Fitness Party at Tyson Sport & Health Club!!! Biz markie will DJ the aerobics, with Jane Fonda's Prime Time Workout on the big screens, while the players and guests tone down in day-glo spandex, cream tights and leg warmers!
Antonio Daniels will be teaching Jive as a Second Language at Wheaton College! Way to give back Brown Hornet!!
Roger Mason will follow a long tradition of DC free agents and sign with Detroit! Also following tradition, he has to spend his rookie year in Detroit driving Ben Wallace's 1997 Honda Accord (still tricked out with in-dash Playstation One console!)
Darius SOngalia will spend his summer playing for the Lithuanian Olympic team in CHina!! Li-Town!!! Chi-town!! Pride!!! SARS!!! Nick Young puts in an order for 40 tubes of "that 99 cent Colgate they got at the Duty Free." The team fails to get to the medal round but Songalia spends his free time running Ma-Jong games in Beihai Park where his wiley skillz earn him the nickname Baitu ('The White Rabbit') among locals.
Speaking of travels... to show his thanks for a breakout season, Brendan Haywood takes shooting coach Dave Hopla on 6-week Eurorail trip!!! When they hit Amsterdam, Hopla takes in the legalized prostitutes, open-air jazz clubs, sets a cafe record for huffing 307 consecutive skunk bowls and announces "Oh God Ive wasted my life!!!!!!" Re-dedicates himself to coaching young American backpackers on their joint-rolling technique.
Caron Butler donates an undisclosed organ to Abe Pollin!
A busy offseason for Gilbert ARenas! In an effort rehab his knee 'responsibly' Agent Zero scales back his physical conditioning to appropriate levels: running two-a-days with the Lithuanian Olympic team, and sprinting up and down the Lincoln memorial steps each morning naked with a parachute on his back and cinder blocks strapped to his thighs. Gil camps out in front of the Towson Best Buy to be first in line for the DVD release of Gnome Named Gnorm. When picked up by Ernie Grunfeld to discuss his new contract, Gil, fresh off playing 50 straight hours of Grand Theft Auto IV, forgets where he is and carjacks Ernie at knifepoint! Barack Obama tries to distance himself for Gil when Defense Department reconnaissance photos reveal Gazo The Pranksta's animation studios in North Korea receiving delivery of Uranium centrifuges. Gil decides to take up yoga in the offseason. Flips a coin to decide between Ashtanga and Bikram. Heads: Ashtanga, Tails: Bikram. Coin comes up Tails. Gil chooses Ashtanga. When he discovers "Puzzling At Altitude", "Plotting The Takeover"" and "Accessing The Hollywood" are not real yoga poses, he organizes a squad of rival Bikram students and leads a no-mercy paintball raid against his yoga class.
Dominic McGuire is invited on Entertainers with Byron Allen. Byron actually thinks he has booked Dominic Monaghan but D-Mac, being a true live jasmin professional, never lets on, and patiently answers Byron's questions about dating Evangeline Lilly, the difficulties of acting in large rubber Hobbit feet and even teaches Byron how to do a Manchester accent!
Etan Thomas spends the summer as a fellow at New Hampshire's prestigious Macdowell Colony for writers, where he causes something of a stir. Fellow resident Carolyn Forche stuns friends when she returns from the colony wearing a West African mud-cloth sarong and releases Blue Hour 2: The Skin Trumpeter - a work of free verse urban erotica about a middle-aged poet who is sexually awakened by the dark charms and strong hands of Taj, a West African slave reincarnated as the owner of a Harlem jazz club.
Antawn Jamison forgets he is still wired for TNTs "Mic'ed Up" segement and all summer long we get to hear him singing along to Richard Marx in the elevator, drunk dial Susan O'Malley, and test new nicknames on his family ("OK from now on y'all gotta' call me 'The Go' when we go out. You kids gotta call me that too, I don't wanna' hear no more 'Dad' business- it's THE GO from now on and we all gonna' be on board for this and that's just the way it's gonna' be").
DeShawn Stevenson finally shaves his beard, and gets a new tattoo that says "BEARD" where his beard used to be. DeShawn has a long summer to develop his trash. Lotta people been slamming DeShawn Stevenson for letting his wild brain take a walk in his mouth this season, saying his breath blow brassier than Fred Wesley and that LeBron put that brass in pocket cuz he is nothing but a Pretender. And these are mostly the same people who said we should have never signed DeShawn and we should have thrown those pesos at the man they call 'La Bomba' ('The Sardine'), aka Juan Carlos Navarro, but be careful what you wish for armchair analists, because DeShawn earned every last penny as an entertainer and that counts for alot and things could have been much worse as you will see in this timeline of the alternate universe in which we signed the Spanish Junker.
Fined by league for making offensive and elaborate "Chupe Mantequilla de mi Culo" gesture at Daniel Gibson during Game One. Gibson responds "With Juan Carlos it is kind of funny. If I had anything to say to Juan it would be like Fat Joe saying something bad about Menudo. There's no comparison. Enough said." For Game 3, JCN flies in former Menudo members Fernando and Nefty Sallaberry to sit courtside. The Sallaberry brothers get drunk and are ejected in the 2nd period for exposing themselves to Dominique Dawes.
JCN reveals he lied about his age on his immigration papers and is in fact 43 years old. As punishment, the NBA voids the Kwame Brown/Caron Trade. Wizards are swept.
Well Jaarko has spent enuff summers chopping onion as Herring Boy at the Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and this year is off to be counselor at Aava Camp! Go Jaarko!!! He will be teaching the kids to tie nooses and how to identify different meats in the wild. But before all that responsibilites comes the first night when older counselors get happy drunk and make new friends! Jaarko sends us a picture!!
Meantime August Strindberg is 'devastated' by exciting news that he will be hired as script supervisor for new Charles Oakley cooking show CAFE OAK!!! Besides his job of injecting turgid gravity into O-Towns cheffin' banter, August will also provide comic relief in a small recurring cameo as an angry butcher!!!!
As for me I will spend next few weeks back in Saginaw trying to find a vet for my mothers handyman lover Jerry W. Wilkins. Sad part is Jerry doesnt even have any pets but the things a boy will do for his mama!!!
We will also be here from time to time to change the sawbust in Kens box and we also have some exciting Mothering Hut fashions to bring you so stay safe, stay close, stay pliant!!
Don't call come back
Jesus Bron Bron, u call yourself KING, you aint even BILLIE JEAN KING!!!!
because Billie Jean didnt cry when she was beaten by a backhand!!!!
SAY oops up side yo head, say oops uposide yo head somebody say obala!!!
When Tuff Juice put tha soul in tha hole destiny turned on the radio and tuned it to Stephen Malkmus who was closing out his set at Wow Hall in Eugene Oregon and honored his playoff promise when he yelled 'FREE PAPA JOHNS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!' and now the STICKS and STONES SERIES comes on home, Baby C'Mon!!!!!
The Wizards had to get back to playing basketball so Captain Antawn called a players only meeting after game 4 and sat his Jasmin live teammates down for two hours and read them Shel Silverstein books. And when he was done the team emerged as a real team again, ready for sharing. Nick Young emerged wearing a big cardboard box with a smiley face drawn on it but it turns out that had nothing to do with the Shel Silverstein stuff.
And it wasnt always pretty. Winning UGly isnt just the name of the Popeye Jones' Learning Annex Seminar, its our new playoff slogan. ArgeyBargey, limbs akimbo, turnovers, stray passes, t-ups, mutt technique. Man DeShawn's got an ugly shot! DeShawn doesnt shoot the three pointer so much as he squeezes it out!!!! But dont let those cleveland tears and tiaras fool u cuz this aint no beauty contest.
Game 5 answered some big questions, like do the Wiz still have fight in them?
and will they keep their poise?
and like wHo is the worst player in the NBA, Wally Szczerbiak or Anderson Verejao??
wally Szczerbiak Anderson Verejao
Sure ANDY VERAJINA is a bulbous spotfaced shirly temple turdface mofo but WALLY is as special kind of series-turning mess. Those oafy turnovers off the legs, the ball click-clacking off his tindersticks, his eyes cloudy with the powerless and resigned familiarity of old Bob Barker standing a lifetime infront of the giant prop Pachinko game on the Price is Right, thinking about the neutered as the big plastic chip goes click-clacking down to its $5 fate. Wally is so amazingly slow. If Lebron isnt even Billie King Wally isnt even Bobby Riggs.
How slow is Wally??
Wally is so slow he got a sponsorship deal from UGG Boots!
Wally is so slow he hangs round local special ed school looking to drag race the school bus!
Wally is so slow he warms up to Luther Vandross!
Wally is so slow that after games he gets treatment on his bedsores!
Wally is so slow at night he has dreams he's Tracy Murray!
SO after this stirring road win why is it all NBA Analists wanna talk about is how they hate Gilbert Arenas?
How team is better off without him? Taking cheap shots at a 3time allstar who took pills and shots just to hobble around for his boyz? Saying team dont need Zero cause they get role playrers involved more when hes not making gamewinners all nitelong. Whatever that means cuz if players standing around thats a coaches problem but even then that doublethink is like saying "hey kick Jack Tripper out of the Regal Beagle so they can develop the character of Larry".
Most outrageous of the haters is our old friend Mike WIlbon.
He penned some long penny dreadful thats all about some people called "doers" and how DC dont need Gil and Gil talked trash. Hold it Gil didnt talk trash he just was just candid bout wanting to get a shot at the Cavs but theres no personality beads on scorekeeper Mikes big abacus and even so you got a lot of nerve telling people to shhhh it. You aint the Librarian around here! You the towns biggest blowhard. Youre Star Jones pal. These days WIlbons bashing everyone, Gil, and Bloggers!!! grumping like a new money Mr. Wilson, being like hes Basketball Van Guardian, the judge, giving his Cosby sermons on black pride, throwing his phantom weight around, the King of All Leisure lectuiring folks on work ethic, more yappyyappy from the man only made in the lazy old George Michael mafia.
You think you have right to do all that talking
I GOT THE CONCH!
All day long!! Well i hate to break it 2 u piggy but SUCKS TO YOUR CONCH!!!!!!!!! cuz we all got conchs these days!!!! You dont got the only voice now. The rules have changed and they changed because of a little magic thing called COLECOVISION and theres one in every basement and a thoiusand little conchs and a thousand voices on the internet cuz we all get to speak and do our thing, a magic land of freeness where a man can do whatever he can dream, like posting chaturbate pictures of a nude Maury Chaykin or checking her ranking on the Montgomery COunty Sex Offender database, or where a former great playwriter from Sweden can redeem himself on the Chowhound message boards reviewing the menus of Florida area strip clubs.
Its the internet! Its an opensource frontier, its an apartment with the blinds left up, its a place of gatherers and the gathered, its a midget running through the big science lab letting out the monkeys.
You know who we'd be better off without? Michael WIlbon. Thats who!
Cuz these days you are less relevant in DC than an Arizona Big and Tall store. You smell like obsolesence and it smells bitter and musty like recalled Michael Jordan Incense!
Because Gilbert is the heart of soul of DC hoops.
Hes ANANSI!!! HES THE FOLK HERO!!! THE TRICKSTER!! THE KING OF STORIES!!!!
While u r nothing but a Cowitch
With Gilbert the Wizards are Gabe Kaplans CBS team on Battle of the Network Stars.
Sure the other networks might win more and Chachi can stick his obstacle course record on his tombstone but you play for NBC you play for Savalas, and he was a facist captain, who humiliated his plauyers and set curfews and made Linda Lavin have an abortion all just to win. And u play for ABC you play for Robert Conrad and u get great splits in the team relay but you have to listen to his anti-semitic rants at practice and cover up Dan Haggertys heroin problem.
But you play for Gabe Kaplan you know one thing for sure: win or lose you will have fun, you will wear short shorts and you will hear bad puns and you will remember why you fell in love with sports in the first place and you will shower with Penny Marshall!!!!
NBA promises to crack down on "OUCHIES"!
The media is going crazy about HAYWOOD and LEBRON aka CRIMSON and CLOVER aka GOOD TOUCH and BAD TOUCH, acting like suddenly Brendan Todd is Sweeney Todd, somekind of crazed enforcer. CMon now LEBROn v Haywood is Rourke vs Schwimmer my friends we arent blind. IF BTH is ruffing you up, making ya cry "THEY TRYIN TO HURT ME DANNY!" then u know u soft. ALmost makes me wish we were back playing against ANDRES 'DIRTY WAR' NOCIONI. He might have been a filthy Argenitnia whore but at least he could take a kick in the Falklands.
This isnt hard ballin, this is a goddamned Pillow Fight we say!
We say its not physical enuff!!!!
U r playing for championshoips, not posing for a Ann Geddes calendar!
U want pain try 2 weeks in August in the Mothering Hut with Ken Beatrices night terrors and your forie in a cracked Greedo Pez dispenser !!!!
Verizon Center staff place playoff pillows in arenas seats:
We say Punks jump up get beat down!
We say go Cronenburg on they asses, corruption of tha flesh!
We say no more scared pawing at loose skin, cuz U aint no Dwayne Wade and they aint no Star Jones.
Cuz right now Queen james is having his way in the lane, like a bull in a vagina shop.
When he drives lane, its like the goddammed video for "OWner fo a Lonely Heart" by YES: a dude having seizures while a bunch of big eyed reptiles sit around and stare. Cuz Queen james is owning us right now, hes not even owning DeShawn hes just leasing him cuz he doesnt want to be responsible for the oil changes.
And what happened to tha TREACHOROUS THREE???
Twan and Tuff Juice gotta step up, cuz thats what leading men do. Theres a reason they called them books The Hardy Boys Mysteries and not 'The Mysterious Chet' cuz Chet was a role player and his role was to "breathe a sigh of relief" not solve crimez DW DIXon stlye. You dont Die and Get Rich Trying in this league, making your dollars donating at the Sigh bank! And yes Caron was hot at All Star but have we learned nothing from the tragedy of Tim Legler??!!!
And DeShawns not helping things with his talking. Doing the "Cant Feel My Face" gesture when we down 16, that was the most ill advised taunting since Darius the Third of Persia made tha "ARABIAN GOGGLES" gesture to Alexander the Great !!!
We gotta help ourselves right now because the Leagues sure as hell not gonna help us. You ever think with DC hoops like there is some one up above messing with us like they have a giant voodoo doll??
Well thats cuz iuts true, DAVid Sterns up there in his suite with a magic GAMESHARK punching in his special cheat codes, codes like: 23EATWHISSLE, INFINITESOFT, DCMADAMS, PUPLIST, LORENZOSOIL, UPPITYFINEZ, NOMASCOT....
Thats right 'NOMASCOT' cuz ever notice what the hell happened to NBA Mascots? D Stern trying to get rid of em is what. Name me 3 NBA mascots! No Gheorghe Muresan dont count! D Stern got it in for the mascotmen, cuz bottom line is money for D League now, and G Bush came up with his plan for stopping Global Warming and the whole plan is based on reducing global footprint of sportsmascots by 2012 and all other leagues have made changes, like reducing flame retardants, and now The PHilly Fanatic got silver rating for sustainability cuz they remade him out of recycled concession grease, wheat grass and animal hair and he uses his costume to store his own greywater waste which he recycles to power eco-nuetral t-shirt gun but no david stern doesnt want to pay short term cuz he just wants to line his pockets and seek revenge on Abe Pollin for the time back in camp when Abe and Yitzhak told teen counselor Rabbi Cassidy about the possum and the tube of ben gay he had stashed in his sleeping bag.
© Neftchifc.com <> All rights reserved.